I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
