I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
