Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
