He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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