There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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