Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
