Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
