just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
