Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
