As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
