lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just pee around me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
