my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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