my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
