remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
