i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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