Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
