Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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