she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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