You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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