Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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