The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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