Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
