Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
