i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
