Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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