FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
