I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
