i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
