I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
