I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
