Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
