Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think my vagina is haunted
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
