my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize