Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
