Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
