I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
