i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
