you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
