if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
