she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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