i love accidental penises.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
