No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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