your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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