You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
