last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
