The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
