I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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