Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
