I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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