Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
