i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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