Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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