i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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