I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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