the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
