the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So many bounce houses so little time
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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