can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
