During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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