I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
